A "vacation" to Maryland

Oops - haven't updated the blog in awhile.  That may be because the behavior at our house has been a bit less than stellar the past couple of months and I have been in a bit of a grumpy funk waiting for spring to arrive (i.e. not much picture-taking and not much lighthearted writing about the kids...).  Anyway, here's an update I wrote recently about our "vacation" to Maryland:

A few weeks ago, I took my two boys on a weekend trip to visit family in Maryland.  With my mom and cousin along for the ride, I envisioned days filled with sightseeing in nearby Washington, DC and fun family meals with my aunt, uncle, and cousins.  Maybe I would squeeze in a quick workout while my mom watched my boys.  At night, a glass of wine and my magazines would keep me company while my babies slept peacefully next to me on the comfortable bed.  Instead, I left Maryland questioning my ability as a mother; the possibility that my children might ever become upstanding, productive members of society ; and above all my sanity (why would I EVER attempt this trip in the first place, much less without my husband there to help?).  On the upside, I took away a few lessons about staying in a hotel with young children, should some other poor imbecile decide to go on “vacation” with their little ones.

#1  A tennis shoe hurled with minimal effort by a 2-year-old packs just enough force to break a glass vase like one that might be found in the lobby of a nice hotel, for example.

#2  If they haven’t contacted you about paying for the broken glass vase within two days of the incident, you’re probably in the clear.

#3  If (when) you lose one of your children in the hotel, before you look anywhere else always check the elevators.  There are usually other adults near the entrance of the hotel who will likely stop a roaming child before he can make it to the parking lot (even if they do call the authorities on you for having so little idea where your kid was), but the elevators are a wild card.  Where will they end up?  Will it be an ax murderer or a child molester waiting for them when the doors open on the 11^th floor? 

#3a  If possible, try to stay in a hotel with a glass elevator so that when your child escapes from you and gets on by himself, at least you can watch him through the glass to see where he gets off.  The glass elevator also allows you to see the thrilled expression that spreads across his face when he realizes that he’s finally broken your spirit.

#4  Going to a wedding or other fancy event?  If you are wearing heels, just go ahead and take them off.  You already look like a moron chasing your kid through the lobby of the hotel, doing so in heels makes you look positively deranged.  Good places to store them: under one of the couches in the lobby, in the plant in the lobby restroom, or on the floor near the elevators so you can pick them up on your way back up to your room with your kicking, screaming, flailing mess of a child.

#5  Thinking about “taking them to the pool to wear them out so they’ll sleep better in the hotel room”?  Don’t delude yourself.  They’re not going to sleep.  No matter what you do.  The exhaustion from swimming plus sleep deprivation has the same effect on kids as crack cocaine, turning your cherubic little angel into a wild-eyed demon from hell.  A demon who can exist on 30 minutes of sleep per day.  

#6  Always, ALWAYS find a hotel where you can get either a suite or a room that’s divided into a sleeping room and a living room.  This will be your only sanity once the little jerks finally fall asleep.  Or, if you’re looking to save a buck, go ahead and enjoy sitting silently in the dark each night of your trip beginning at 7:30pm.  If you’re lucky, you might even be able to turn the TV on silent – but I don’t think you’re willing to take that risk, now are you?

#7  Thank everyone and tip everyone A LOT – don’t ever try to convince yourself that you’re being too hard on yourself or your kids for their behavior – you and your family really are that annoying.  Everyone who comes in contact with you deserves to be paid, thanked, and apologized to, including other guests of the hotel if necessary. 

#8  Does it sound like your “budget-conscious trip” is getting a little more expensive than you had planned for?  It is.  Plan to spend $500 to $1500 more than you budgeted for.  Especially if there are glass fixtures in the lobby of your hotel (see #1). 

#9  Don’t bother packing toys – pulling down the curtains in the hotel room, pushing the elevator buttons, and running up and down the halls screaming like wild animals provide far more entertainment than any doll, action hero, or DVD you have packed in your suitcase.  And if you actually packed books, you’re just fooling yourself.

#10  Trying to resist the reality that your child’s diet while staying in the hotel will consist of anything other than processed carbohydrates is futile.  In order to keep them as still and quiet as possible, they should exist on a steady intake of twizzlers, blow pops, and goldfish crackers.

#11  What can you do when your beloved little ones are crawling around the filthy hotel room floor, putting their mouths on the germ-laden chairs and door handles, and luxuriating in the disgusting hotel bathtub?  You can watch in horror and ruminate about that TV special you saw where they held the ultraviolet light up to showcase the bacteria swarming on the hotel room comforter, the same comforter your toddler has turned into his personal snack bowl.

#12  Don’t bother bringing exercise clothes and shoes, reading material, or any other recreational items that bring you enjoyment.  This includes novels, magazines, a journal, or an ipad.  You might be able to get away with your smartphone, but only for phone calls.  If your little angels catch you happily checking your email or catching up on facebook, it will not be tolerated.

#13  NEVER take a shower.  Even if they look like they’re content with their snacks and their movie, a 5-minute shower is enough of a window for them to ruin your life by doing one or all of the following:
                a) escaping from the room or encourage a younger sibling to do so
                b) drawing with a black marker on the white bed spread
                c) dropping an entire bowl of sliced fruit onto the carpet (see #10 - you never should              have brought that fruit anyway)

#14  Drink.  But not too much…there’s an excellent chance that you will be packing everyone up and driving back home in the middle of the night.

#15  What to do about discipline?  It’s hard to be consistent with enforcing good behavior when you’re away from home.  The best success can be achieved through the development of a maniacal, psychotic-sounding “whisper yell”.  Your voice is whispering, but anyone (including your little monster of a four-year-old), can see that your soul is really screaming.